The emotions can take place all at once, randomly or never. For years the hope, or perhaps it’s a thought, the payback will happen. The suffering has been unbearable. Birth of the suffering starts young. Over years it increases and decreases depending on the levels of involvement. Crying, fighting, and trying to be strong.
“Strong”, mentally!!
For the majority of people this takes years to develop. How does a child achieve it in their first decade of life? They can’t…..
What they can do is ignore, block, and push down what the not yet “strong” part of them cannot conquer.
Remember the few times that created smiles :)
Try and forget all the promises that were never kept, an insurmountable number :(
The teenager arrives in the 2nd decade. The “know it all”, able to talk back and speak what partly is on their mind. The attempt to try in some way to mend what already has gone far beyond mending. The cards, letters, excuses whatever it takes to try and gain a morsel back of what the relationship must have been, at one point, VERY early in life.
Stories have been told about that VERY early time. The joy of arrival and the pleasure it brought, if only temporary, to so many people who have, each in their own unique way, been suffering for years.
Time to fly, leave the nest, leave it all behind. HUGE sigh….an escape. Don’t speak to soon. There is never an escape. One progresses through the college years – “the name of the institution unknown for the entire duration”. Aren’t they proud of such an accomplishment? The first one to achieve what the others have not.
NO they are not….
An adult, in some sense of the word, develops. The child becomes the adult and the adult seems to constantly revert back to their immature, adolescent ways. Once you are unhappy, they are so very happy. Narcissistic Behavior Disorder is the one that seems to be the best description. Everyone harbors some type of disorder – right?
Give up, just give up, it’s time.
Fast forward to the 4th decade. It has happened, others have known for ages. Those who matter the most have not, nothing new in this story. You can feel the ache in your heart, you can cry, scream, laugh, talk, drink, run, but in the end one will do what has been happening since decade 1 - - ignore, block, and push down what the “still” not yet “strong” part of the person cannot conquer.
November 7, 2010
December 19, 2009
NO - NO - NO
I hate it,
I hate it,
I hate the snow!!
Someone please,
Please make it gooooooo.
A blanket of white,
Sooooooo not right......
I hate it,
I hate the snow!!
Someone please,
Please make it gooooooo.
A blanket of white,
Sooooooo not right......
September 20, 2009
REFLECTION
Writing in this space that exists in the middle of nowhere is an interesting place to be, a place that I often feel I live in.
Labor Day 2009 marks 1 year that I have been back in America.
Still in PA, still without a job of any real significance. I have, called and e-mail and followed-up again and again with so many people, people in high positions. Zero luck. I now sit at a desk 8 hours a day and listen to people who don’t even know me getting angry with me for something I have no control over.
It’s a job I keep telling myself, a little bit of money to put in the wallet. Money to buy my wine from time to time and keep my sanity. O right and make my car payment. 1st time in my life that I actually had to buy a car. The years and years of company cars have come to an end.
I live in a space, not my space, not a bed but in a room, not a bedroom. I do have a roof over my head for that I am thankful.
I have reunited with people who I have not seen in over 20 years. I have met new people that I am so very thankful are now in my life. Others who I wish never entered my life because they are so cruel and so one way. It’s humbling, stifling, boring, and saddening some days. Other days it just time that passes.
I have learned new skills on jobs that I would never have thought I could have done in my life. Hydrolazers, Isophase, Alter X, Condenser Bay, Turbine, and Dosimeter. Words that were foreign to me are now part of my ever expanding vocabulary. A month of “Silkwood”!!
Looking on the positive side of the road. I run, I am running again, I run fast, the fastest I have ever run in my whole life. I’ve won medals and trophies. Will I ever be on the level of elite – LOL not by a long shot. Will I ever be able to understandPre Jr. or get that high…not so much but it feels good on a certain level. I am finally fit…to others, in their eyes. In my head is a different story. Damn you ED.
Don’t ever say “yous” or Illi”noise” or “TAger” or “ain’t”. Keep your grammar and accent in check. You worked hard to get out and now you will have to work even HARDER to get out again.
People who think they have authority over you will someday come to the realization who you are and what you have to offer. Worldly, ambitious, savvy, adventurous, not afraid and ready to go at a moments notice.
Labor Day 2009 marks 1 year that I have been back in America.
Still in PA, still without a job of any real significance. I have, called and e-mail and followed-up again and again with so many people, people in high positions. Zero luck. I now sit at a desk 8 hours a day and listen to people who don’t even know me getting angry with me for something I have no control over.
It’s a job I keep telling myself, a little bit of money to put in the wallet. Money to buy my wine from time to time and keep my sanity. O right and make my car payment. 1st time in my life that I actually had to buy a car. The years and years of company cars have come to an end.
I live in a space, not my space, not a bed but in a room, not a bedroom. I do have a roof over my head for that I am thankful.
I have reunited with people who I have not seen in over 20 years. I have met new people that I am so very thankful are now in my life. Others who I wish never entered my life because they are so cruel and so one way. It’s humbling, stifling, boring, and saddening some days. Other days it just time that passes.
I have learned new skills on jobs that I would never have thought I could have done in my life. Hydrolazers, Isophase, Alter X, Condenser Bay, Turbine, and Dosimeter. Words that were foreign to me are now part of my ever expanding vocabulary. A month of “Silkwood”!!
Looking on the positive side of the road. I run, I am running again, I run fast, the fastest I have ever run in my whole life. I’ve won medals and trophies. Will I ever be on the level of elite – LOL not by a long shot. Will I ever be able to understandPre Jr. or get that high…not so much but it feels good on a certain level. I am finally fit…to others, in their eyes. In my head is a different story. Damn you ED.
Don’t ever say “yous” or Illi”noise” or “TAger” or “ain’t”. Keep your grammar and accent in check. You worked hard to get out and now you will have to work even HARDER to get out again.
People who think they have authority over you will someday come to the realization who you are and what you have to offer. Worldly, ambitious, savvy, adventurous, not afraid and ready to go at a moments notice.
January 10, 2009
What A Long Strange Trip It's Been
To all readers who have followed my blog from the beginning I THANK YOU. I am honored and grateful that you would spend your precious time reading my thoughts and feelings. For a first time blogger I believe I can say it has served its purpose. I was able to keep my family and friends informed of what was taking place on my fabulous journey. It’s a shame no one was able to experience it with me. See 1st hand where I lived and get a dose of an amazing culture. I received some very interesting comments and was introduced to people who I was unaware would even bother looking at my measly blog.
As all things do this too must come to an end. My Moroccan adventure is over and I guess I should say MY adventure is over for NOW. Well - wait - - does it ever really end? I will always keep hope deep in my heart that someday soon I will travel extensively again. That I will be given the opportunity or lucky enough to be able to do what I am so very passionate about. Humanitarian work speaks volumes to me. What Angelina, Oprah and Bono do for those less fortunate would be my dream job. A crazy comparison I realize but none the less it gets my point across. A few million dollars might help also? I will continue to search and research that avenue because I know it will fill my soul. I will feel as if I am finally doing something that has purpose and meaning. A way to keep my inner fire burning.
Wishing you all a 2009 that is lived at risk because you decide to pursue your dreams, rather than just dreaming them....
Happy New Year
BESLEMMA
As all things do this too must come to an end. My Moroccan adventure is over and I guess I should say MY adventure is over for NOW. Well - wait - - does it ever really end? I will always keep hope deep in my heart that someday soon I will travel extensively again. That I will be given the opportunity or lucky enough to be able to do what I am so very passionate about. Humanitarian work speaks volumes to me. What Angelina, Oprah and Bono do for those less fortunate would be my dream job. A crazy comparison I realize but none the less it gets my point across. A few million dollars might help also? I will continue to search and research that avenue because I know it will fill my soul. I will feel as if I am finally doing something that has purpose and meaning. A way to keep my inner fire burning.
Wishing you all a 2009 that is lived at risk because you decide to pursue your dreams, rather than just dreaming them....
Happy New Year
BESLEMMA
December 22, 2008
Beyond Cold
This is soooo not right and the sad part it that temp. is not even correct it's currently 8:30AM and 5 degrees. Who in their right mind would ever want to live in such conditions? My body certainly is not made for this weather. Yesterday was the Winter Solstice and it has come on full force.
Friday was a snow day for "the kids" and the subs -yahoo!! I decided to search sites of places that were warm-HOT, had green grass, blue water and sand. It's 65 in Morocco today. My positive spirit resides in those temps.
The backyard in Sugarloaf, PA
December 7, 2008
REFLECTION
Bitter cold winter weekends in PA leave a lot of time to think and/or reflect. It's in the 20's here with a light dusting of snow on the grass and trees. People all over are getting ready for the holiday. My Moms house sits next to a Christmas Tree farm so people have been up and down the long drive all weekend. Cutting, dragging, and securing their dream tree on their vehicles, and did I mention FREEZING! I must admit upfront I have never been a holiday person. I know BA-HUM-BUG....blah, blah, blah. Today the house is being decorated and I would rather do anything else then help decorate. However the alternative is to go outside.
No Thank You! As I type this I am sitting at the computer with a wool sweater, wools socks and a ski hat on, pathetic I know. Thus my love of HOT Mediterranean weather.
Back to Reflection.
Over the years I have written down several quotes that have spoken to my soul.
I'd like to share some with you.
1996:
"There is a luxury in being quiet in the heart of chaos."-virginia wolf
"Sometimes it takes years to really grasp what has really happened to your life."
-william rudolph
-william rudolph
"To sense when it's time to go is so hard-to leave a secure thing, a loving thing." "But that's what'll preserve the friendship. If you go past that time, you sacrifice it....." "But it's hard.
It is so hard."-lili taylor
2003
"Love your incredibly unique life, it is very short."-john olm
"Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my cham friends."-25th hour
"Hope and imagination are only consolations for the disappointments and sorrows of experience."-italo calvino
"The earth turned to bring us closer it turned on itself and in us until it finally brought us together in this dream." - 21grams
200?
"There are many things in life that will catch your eye but only a few will catch your heart pursue those."-unknown
2008
"Like a compass needle that points north, a man's accusing finger always finds a woman." "Always"-khaled hosseini
And my newest favorite - -
"Deliver me from him who does not tell the truth unless he stings,and from the man of good conduct and bad intentions, and from him who acquires self-esteem by finding fault in others."-kahlil gibran
The tree has arrived, Blue Spruce, and it smells amazing..........
November 13, 2008
It Can't Be Over Yet
Do you ever feel you’re in spiral motion waiting for the spinning to stop and it never does? Since December 2007 I have been living in that spiral. Hoping, praying that it will stop or at least slow down and allow me to get out. I made it through July and then came August I don’t think I will ever look at August the same again. I took a trip overseas for 3 weeks the place was incredibly beautiful but the situation was sometimes unbearable. I met some remarkable people who I know will be my friends forever and I feel so thankful to have them in my life, others I met well……
I was O so tan and enjoying the weather to the fullest but even for me the lover of sea, sun and sand I was forced to take breaks because my body was baking like a pie. Daily drinks, tons of food, late nights and not enough exercise makes Beth not on her “A” game.
Labor Day I was back in America unexpected by most but maybe not out of the question to others. Living in PA again but this time with Mom. My brother had the little one early on but now she is back in the nest. I guess at the end of the day the return was inevitable – it was too much, a chore, uncomfortable, it bucked the norm. 2 of us within a span of 6 months must have been the straw that broke the camel’s back. Now it’s the 3 of us - in the tiny homestead, it will be challenging but we need to stick together because we only have each other. I never would have thought at this stage in my life I would be spending so much quality time with my Mother let alone living with her, it’s almost surreal.
November and I am still in PA how did this happen – ha? The job market is worse than ever, no breaking news to anyone! October I took on the role of substitute teaching in the Hazleton Area School District. I could not spend another day in the house doing nothing except chores. I was going stir crazy. The majority of my classes have been at a school very close to my Mom’s house. I have had classes from K-8 and everyday is a very different experience. I have a new found respect for teachers and the rigors they take on daily. I would have thought kindergarten would be a breeze. Cute, adorable 5 year olds certainly cannot be as challenging as hormonal 7th and 8th graders. Boy was I wrong. Out of 3 different KG classes I would have to say that 1 of them was the toughest day I have had so far since I started subbing. I can’t remember if this is how I felt about subs when I was in school. Was I ever as disrespectful to teachers as the teenagers at VEMS are to me? I certainly hope not….
Direction: a word that seems to be missing from my vocabulary of late. Up and Down, Back and Forth, Round and Round but no straight path leading to anywhere. I guess its life but it’s so very tiring and at times frustrating. When you pour yourself into something you expect or can only hope for desired results. After all these years I should realize for me that is not an option.
I am keeping my fingers crossed, everything crossed, that my journey begins again soon.
I was O so tan and enjoying the weather to the fullest but even for me the lover of sea, sun and sand I was forced to take breaks because my body was baking like a pie. Daily drinks, tons of food, late nights and not enough exercise makes Beth not on her “A” game.
Labor Day I was back in America unexpected by most but maybe not out of the question to others. Living in PA again but this time with Mom. My brother had the little one early on but now she is back in the nest. I guess at the end of the day the return was inevitable – it was too much, a chore, uncomfortable, it bucked the norm. 2 of us within a span of 6 months must have been the straw that broke the camel’s back. Now it’s the 3 of us - in the tiny homestead, it will be challenging but we need to stick together because we only have each other. I never would have thought at this stage in my life I would be spending so much quality time with my Mother let alone living with her, it’s almost surreal.
November and I am still in PA how did this happen – ha? The job market is worse than ever, no breaking news to anyone! October I took on the role of substitute teaching in the Hazleton Area School District. I could not spend another day in the house doing nothing except chores. I was going stir crazy. The majority of my classes have been at a school very close to my Mom’s house. I have had classes from K-8 and everyday is a very different experience. I have a new found respect for teachers and the rigors they take on daily. I would have thought kindergarten would be a breeze. Cute, adorable 5 year olds certainly cannot be as challenging as hormonal 7th and 8th graders. Boy was I wrong. Out of 3 different KG classes I would have to say that 1 of them was the toughest day I have had so far since I started subbing. I can’t remember if this is how I felt about subs when I was in school. Was I ever as disrespectful to teachers as the teenagers at VEMS are to me? I certainly hope not….
On a high note for November the Thorn Girls came to the East Coast. It was excellent to spend much needed bonding time with them. My girl KR-is-Ten, there is no other like her. The weekend turned out to be a mini Hafey reunion with our crew. Laughter, tears and a WHOLE LOT of kids.......
Direction: a word that seems to be missing from my vocabulary of late. Up and Down, Back and Forth, Round and Round but no straight path leading to anywhere. I guess its life but it’s so very tiring and at times frustrating. When you pour yourself into something you expect or can only hope for desired results. After all these years I should realize for me that is not an option.
I am keeping my fingers crossed, everything crossed, that my journey begins again soon.
It’s now so deep in my veins/soul it seems impossible to let go of.
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